Wednesday, February 15, 2012
My intention and desire is to get Betty active, motivated and
stimulated. It is truly an up hill
battle. I am convinced that all
Betty’s daughter and especially husband want is waiting to see if she has died
yet. It truly gets me angry when I
think about it.
Betty came to my house for dinner tonight. She was thrilled. We have trout, string beans and baked
potatoes. She loves this meal and
she ate well. She aways eats well
at my house and she enjoys interacting with my daughter Joan. She barely stays 1 hour but it is a
high light of her day. When she
walked in to my house she felt chilled so I gave her my shoal to wear. She was thrilled…She found it soft,
warm and cozy. She actually didn’t
want to take it off when it was time to go home. I told her I would look for one for her. I had bought mine at the local pharmacy
gift area and I hoped I would be able to find one for her.
It always feels good to make another person feel good.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Today Lola, or whatever her name is, comes for four hours to
babysit Betty. What a waste of
time and money. She sits and watches TV while Betty lays on the bed. I always walk in on my way home from
the gym— usually around 9:30 AM. I
proceed to talk into the kitchen and Betty in her excitement to see me follows
with her walker. I usually offer
her a banana to eat followed by Apple juice and dried apricot and date. She likes that routine and it makes me
feel good that she is getting food into her body. Lila or Lola follows behind protesting that Betty refuses to
eat.
She is worthless.
I asked her to take Betty to the Senior Center this day and I laid out
the coat and scarf because it is very windy out. I also set out the food for lunch. I didn’t return today because my
schedule didn’t permit so I cannot say what was eaten, however when I returned
later in the day, I say that some of Betty’s food that is delivered daily was
picked through. I know that Betty
would never do that.
Lila, I suspect searches through Betty’s things looking for
something. The money is mostly
hidden so she can no longer take it…I do not trust her and her capabilities are
very limited and suspect. How sad
it is that Betty’s family has no knowledge about this set up yet the worse
crime of all is that they honestly don’t want to know what is going on. Out of site is out of mind is there
best policy.
I interview a women by the name of Anna today whom I was
hoping to be the answer to my prayers.
I wanted her to care for Betty--- be her companion, make sure she eats 5
times a day, stimulates her mind and her body.
Anna rang my door bell--- as I opened it, before me stood a
creature wearing a cowboy hat and
ugg boots slinging her big bag and waiting to be accepted with open arms
as my savior.
UGH! Is all I
could say---she was not the imagine that I was hoping to receive. My heart sank as my daughter and I
ushered her into my living room.
My first question was: Tell
me something about yourself?
Looking at me blank--- she said:
“Didn’t my friend Sherry tell you about me? All I want to do is say hello to Betty and meet her…if we
have a good feeling about each other then I will tell you about me.
UGH! No, it
doesn’t work that way. I want to
get to know you and understand what it is you are looking for in
employment. But that was my second
realization. She actually didn’t
look at this as a job but rather a place to hang her hat as she slung her –I
guess—body around --- and Oh yes,
Betty would eventually fit into the picture….that is, if she had
time. But as for feeding her 5
times a day was out of the question.
She actually said: You want
me to baby sit her?
No, I say, I wanted you to be her friend and companion. And yes, I expected you to stay in the
house with her, assist her, talk to her, stimulate her with puzzles and word
games etc.
You would think I was asking for the MOON.
I couldn’t usher her out of my home fast enough. In fact, I think she was rather
surprised when I practically pushed her out of my door and politely said: Thank you and then closed the door.
Upset would put it mildly. I so very much wanted this to work out and I really wanted
someone to take over my role but I guess today was not the day.
I went to Betty’s house to explain to her that the cowgirl
with UGG boots was not going to work out.
She too said she was disappointed.
I had a word puzzle book and two pencils in hand so we sat
down and proceeded to find the words.
Once Betty got the hang of it, she was hooked---interested and having
fun. I too, must admit was hooked
and busy looking for the appropriate words that were seeking to be discovered.
Betty didn’t want this time to end but I was on my way for
my daily 2 mile walk. Telling
Betty that I would return to make her dinner.
She is actually thriving on the routine that I have created
for her. She does fit me to eat
her food, but I always insisted that she finish her meal…so in the end I win
out. Her favorite words
are: I am nauseous. I am going to get sick. But some how I know that that isn’t the
truth so I persist and she finally finishes her meal. Tonight was no different but after her meal, she enjoyed ice
cream and had no trouble eating the entire cup…with I might add a nice
chocolate cookie at the end.
We always complete this exercise with me washing the dishes and her job
is to dry them and put them away.
She is eager to complete her task.
I sense that she finds great joy and pride in feeling needed and
important. Knowing that she enjoys
this exercise nightly also feeds me with great joy and contentment.
While I know that I am doing something that is kind and
noble, I pray that God will help me help Betty find the right person who will
do as I have done….Be a friend and allow her to have a reason for living.
Friday, February 17, 2012
As usual I arrived at Betty’s house around 9:30 AM to give
her a banana and some dry fruit plus a glass of apple juice. This has become our routine. This way I know that she has some
quality food in her body. But when
I arrived Lila was there and informed me that she is now employed for 3 days a
week---Monday—Wednesday and Friday.
She was getting ready to take Betty to the store. I said first let me give Betty her
breakfast and she preceeded to tell me that Betty does not like bannana’s. We went back into the kitchen and as
usual, Betty ate. Lila was
watching and asked how do I do that.
She rushed over to see if Betty wanted a cookie or some mixed nuts. My comments were: NO>> not for breakfast. As I told Betty’s daughter, Joan, Lila is
useless. She sits and watches TV
while Betty lies in bed resting.
The Wednesday night when Betty was at my house for dinner,
she felt chilled so I gave her my shoal to wear and she was thrilled. I told her I would look for one for
her. I did go back to the pharmacy
that has a gift shop where I bought mine and they had a lovely one but in the
wrong colors. They have several
stores and were going to check and see if one of their other stores had a
lighter color shoal. Upon
discovery, they called to say they had one in purple if I wanted it. I took Betty to look at it and she was
thrilled. Once she put it on, she
didn’t want to take it off. She
bought it and wore it out of the store feeling young, beautiful and very
happy. She also wanted sunglasses
to wear, so I took her to lenscrafters to buy them. She ended up buying a wonderful pair of Maui Jim glasses
which besides being a perfect fit looked wonderful on her.
Leaving the store with her shoal on and her new sunglasses,
she walked with a spring in her step and a smile on her face that was
contagious. Betty in deed was
tired but it was an exhilarating exhaustion and she felt so very happy.
She voiced her joy and pleasure to me. She is most grateful that I was willing
to talk her to make the purchases.
I was thrilled that she got a very good pair of sunglasses to protect
her eyes. She hasn’t stopped
talking about the way she can see so well in the sun and she doesn’t have to
shield her eyes because the sunglasses are doing it for her.
When we arrived at her home, a young neighbor comes rushing
over saying: Betty where have you
been, Joan has been calling me all afternoon worried about you. Of course, we only left her hours at 2
PM….after Lila left and lunch was finished… and we arrived back at 3:50
PM.
Looking at me he said and who are you. I said I am a neighbor and who are
you? He preceded to say that Joan,
her daughter doesn’t want Betty going out at all.
Betty and I continued to walk in the house and he followed
quite annoyed. He wanted to know
what I was doing. When I told him
that I was helping Betty out, he told me that her daughter told him to look
after her. I then got enraged…I
have never seen him at Betty’s house before. I said, wonderful, then maybe you can watch her eat her
meals…maybe sit with her for dinner and see that she eats. He said , I do not want to get involved
and he walked out. I felt that
Betty was slightly annoyed so I told her to rest and I would be back at 5:30 to
prepare her dinner. She was happy
with that.
I had bought Betty a word puzzle book that we have been
working on together. She loves
looking for the words and has fun circling them when found. She told me that this was fun! Can you imagine that she was happy with
this exercise! I am looking for
ways to stimulate her mind and body.
She is actually a very active person for her age…and she can continue to
do all of this if and when she eats properly to nurture and sustain her
strength and well being.
On Friday, in all of my rushing to get my chores done, I
lost track of time and missed my acupuncture appointment. When The doctor’s office called me, I
was disappointed but she said I could come right down, So I turned around and
drove immediately to his office.
When I arrived I blurted out to the receptionist that I was looking for
someone to help with an older woman---Did she know of anyone who might work
out. I am sure she was shocked by
my questioning but I was feeling upset, probably a little desperate and worried
that I would not be able to continue doing the job of keeping Betty
healthy. When I finally went into
the Doctor’s inner office I broke down in tears. That is not like me, but I realized that I had all this pent
up energy that was ready to explode.
He said he would work on me and add extra to relax my pressure
points. I must admit that he
helped me a lot and during that time in his office I worked on myself, my mind
and spirit and connected with my inner Source where I was able to let go of control over Betty and release
her to God. I am not her daughter
and I am not related. I am only a
caring neighbor who has seen the neglect of a 98 year old lady and wanted to
try to help out.
So it was no surprise when today, Saturday, the next morning
February 18, 2012 as I was walking towards Betty’s house, I saw for the second
time this man—“ do not want to get involved” walking out of her house. As I passed him in her garage, I said
: Well Goodmorning Mr.I don’t want
to get involved! He said: What did you say to me…I only kept
walking into the house. He
followed me and said. I came to
check up on Betty--- I
thought---since when….I have been there almost every day for the last 6-8 weeks
and have NEVER seen him there once.
He got angrier by the minute and said: You are not wanted here….what are you
doing here…I said, I decided to get involved when One day I came into Betty’s
house and found her so weak she could bearly stand or walk…and when I went into
her kitchen there was NO food— NOTHING!
I immediately went home and made her tomato soup loaded with rice and
she ate the entire amount. I
continued to say, at this point quite sternly--that Betty has been neglected
and malnourished and that I have
been giving her 5 meals a day because her stomach was so shrunk that she could
only eat in very small portions. I
further said that if you were so interested, you would have seen this and that
I was going to call the police and let them know what was going on. He simply turned around and walked out
of the house saying I have been looking after Betty for 8 years.
I can honestly say that for the first time in a very long
time, I was enraged----my anger was so strong that I had a difficult time
calming down. That is when I
decided to write a BLOG site - to share this story with others but more importantly to say
to whomever is interested that there are many other people—men, women and even
children in our country who need some form of assistance but are not getting it
because those who are saying that they are overlooking the needs of others are
not doing it. There is too much
lip service and I would like to think good intentions but no good actions.
Betty’s family calls her once or twice a day and even Betty
says: All they want to know is if
I am still alive. When my
neighbor, “Mr. I don’t want to get involved” appears on the scene; all he does is say hello and how are
you and when she smiles and says I am okay, he turns around and walks back out
the door. Now understand, I can
only surmise this but the proof is right in front of me and now you.
God help us! It
might be helpful if he or others like him checked to see if people like Betty were
losing weight, which Betty is and I might add that was my first clue months
ago.
In fact almost a year ago when I say her daughter and son
in-law at a rare visit to Betty’s house, I was walking in with a bag of
groceries and they were standing there wanting to know who I was.
Boy did I give it to them at that time. They certainly know my sentiments and
they know I am watching but they truly don’t care. They offer the minimal assistance and no more.
I have come to see and know that Betty can no longer be left
alone. She needs help with her
food, her life and her well-being.
She has many capabilities and she is eager to help and make choices for
her life yet she is not able to do it without assistance.
I called Betty’s daughter on the phone two weeks ago and
offered my services till we found the right person to live with Betty. At first Joan said yes but when her
husband, Erin got on the phone he said NO….He could not afford to pay for any
additional help. He was going
broke over the expenses that he was now paying. Even though they now own Betty’s home and have that
investment, he refused to budge.
Not to worry— I will not be discouraged. With God’s help, it will work out.
Sunday, February 18, 2012
I slept in late today just enjoying the quietness of
nothingness. It may seem strange
to you but I do this often on the weekends when I feel I have the privilege of
relaxing and thinking of nothing else but me---that is for at least the early
part of the day. If you have never
tried it, I suggest you do it now—it is a wonderful feeling. But as I awoke , the phone rang and I
immediately knew that my day had begun.
My daughter called to say that our friend Kate invited us
for a boat ride in Huntington Beach Harbor area. We have wanted to go with her for sometime but something
always got in the way. So we said
yes for today. I was also supposed to go to Laguna Beach and shop for items
that we needed for our upcoming workshop weekend. There goes my lazy, relaxing
day.
But before my day gets started, I must go to Betty’s house
and check in with her. I was not
there last night to give her dinner.
Even though there was food in the refrigerator for her to prepare, no
one was there to make sure she ate much less to prepare the food. So at 9:45, I arrived at her back door
shouting Betty I am here---Finding her in the bedroom, she looked weak and
tired. When I asked her if she had
anything to eat she said: I think
so. I immediately walked to the
kitchen area and as usual she followed me like a little puppy.
I checked around the kitchen and the refrigerator to see
what was eaten—what was different.
One banana was missing, as was one small cup of ice cream. The meals were still in the
refrigerator and everything was still in place.
Betty did not have dinner last night and she probably didn’t
have anything to eat this morning and as a result she was weak. My heart sank. I proceeded to pull out a fruit cup,
and apple juice and I made toast.
She was fighting me to eat but with gentle prodding, she finished the fruit cup, drank all of
the juice and ate ½ slice of toast.
I was pleased and she felt better.
I then left her alone as I went home to prepare my breakfast. Feeling upset and worried, I wasn’t
sure what to do. I knew that I
wasn’t going to be around this evening to give her a meal and I didn’t want the
same thing to happen again where she was left with out eating a meal. I finally decided that I would try to
call a neighbor—Fred or Shila --hoping one of them would help me out
and make sure Betty ate.
Before I arrived at home I saw the young girl, Shelby who is
the caregiver for an elderly couple two house away. She was charming and warm
to me and gave me a booklet on aging that the daughter of the couple suggested
I read. She wanted me to
become familiar with pricing and cost for care etc. I became emotional sharing my story about Betty this morning
and she listened kindly. I realize
that it isn’t her problem but I keep thinking that if I tell this story to
anyone who will listen, someone will have a solution for me. So I babble on again and again hoping
against all hope that I will get help.
When I got home, I immediately called Fred on the phone
saying: “ Fred, can you come over immediately, I have an emergency.” He
said he would be right over.
I breathed a sign of relief. Fred was coming over, a wonderful older man of approximately
70 years of age who has always been available to help Betty and me.
When he walked in my door I proceeded to tell him about
Betty and how she has not eaten since yesterday at 2PM when I gave her a
snack. I was upset because I was
not going to be around this evening.
Fred immediately said he would go over and stay with Betty till she
ate.
I told him that I would prepare a hot meal for her for lunch
so he could give her chicken salad and potato salad. He agreed again.
He actually stopped over at the house around 1PM to see where I hid the
food and He saw me prepare the food for Betty and feed her. She often wants to fight me by saying
that she can’t eat any more or she feels sick, but after my prodding, she
finally eats everything. Know that
her stomach was warm, full and content made me happy.
I felt so relieved to know that I had someone to help me
out. God, it is emotionally exhausting
to keep this woman alive with good solid food yet I feel good knowing that I
can be a part of this process. My
greatest concern is that I will not be able to do this alone and I am
desperately seeking others to help me out. Don’t get me wrong, I feel good knowing that I am helping
another human being but at the same time, it is an awesome task and I am only a
compassionate neighbor.
I needed to go to the market to buy milk so I took Betty
with me for the ride. She
loves getting out, smelling the fresh air and just observing what is going on
around her. She spends so much
time lying in her bed alone that she has lost contact with the outside
world. I am hoping to bring some
of that back into her life---to stimulate her senses and mind and help her body
to stay fluid. It is actually a
full time job, but I will do the best that I can do. I continually tell myself that God is in control, I am only
an agent and I am willingly following his lead. That is the only way I can handle this situation. I acknowledge that I do not have
solutions but if nothing else, as long as it is in my power, I will help
sustain her. The amazing thing is,
she is capable of living for many more years in good health. That in itself is marvelous.
Today Betty turned to me and said: I am so grateful to have you with me. Thank you. And then she said at least four times: "I love my sunglasses. They are so wonderful and I can see so
well. They are truly worth the
price. They are the best thing
that I have ever bought."
I was again thrilled that she saw the worth and value and
that this small little need was and actually is a huge benefit for her well
being. Thank you again God that
she can have this joy.
I am sure her family is probably cursing me but I do not care---Betty
just might actually live longer than them and wouldn’t that be something!
Joan Marie Ambrose
Joan Marie Ambrose
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